you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
