I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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