I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
