Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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