My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
