and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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