apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
God, I missed his penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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