So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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