I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
