My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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