a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
