I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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