my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
