I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
