You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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