Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
