I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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