About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
