Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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