you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
