I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
This house was built for laser tag.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
