My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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