I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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