If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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