the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
