It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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