Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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