I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
