My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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