At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
