Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
