I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
