yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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