tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
