There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We left the knife in your bed.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
