Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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