Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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