If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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