last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Randomize
