Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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