can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
