So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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