Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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