dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
