Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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