i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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