cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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