My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
