I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
