They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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