so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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